The Flight of the Bald Eagle

Before we begin this match report we have a new cryptic question to start with.

“I am vessel, cylindrical in shape and made of plastic. I have an opening at the top which is used to fill me with liquid as well as for emptying the liquid. I am most commonly used by thirsty people. What am I?

There will be a clue provided part way through the match report with the answer given at the bottom.

With the passing away of club stalwart Michael Jackson during the week, we have dedicated this match report to the King of Pop.

This round saw La Trobe up against Essendon United. The Flying Dutchman was keen to start after his one week suspension and enjoys nothing better than beating Essendon, particularly after they belted his beloved Blues the previous Friday night. We’ve tried explaining to him that they have no connection with the AFL team but he just inflates his huge chest at you and asks if you want to continue the conversation in the car-park. All Beef Patty rocked up, but this time to play for the “Black or White” strip of Essendon. With the strips clashing in colour, the Gabmeister was adamant not to offer the opposition our spare strip, telling Patty to “Beat it” . From the outside it appeared he was being petty but privately it was the thought of All Beef Patty wearing the La Trobe strip one last time which was stirring his emotions.

Patty copped his usual abuse about eating too much of his Nonna’s pasta which is slightly “Off the Wall” considering he is in better physical condition than half the Bald Eagles.

After Bruno the Oztrian’s brilliant game plan last week, the 3:5:2 formation was retained with the General up front again. Leading by example, he worked tirelessly for the first 30 minutes, with his second and third efforts particularly encouraging. He was duly rewarded with a goal at the 27th minute. This is a whole 2 minutes quicker than when he scored against Brimbank (29th minute) which is indicative of the amount of work he is putting in on the training track during the week. Slater, Boz, the Oztrian and the G-Train worked hard in the middle whilst the Gabmeister and Matt U scorched the wings. Unfortunately, some poor defending gave Essendon a late first half equalizer.

With Patty off in the second half to check out the “Man in the Mirror” , the Bald Eagles could focus once more on the game, rather than the player. Slater and Matt U scored a couple of early goals to take the lead out to 3:1. An early injury to Sava in the second half threatened to derail the La Trobe cause. The Oztrian was summoned from the bench as a replacement. However Bruno was in the middle of organizing a red-carpet fashion show to promote his new biographical movie starring Sascha Baron Cohen. The G-train had to tape the hammy back together and hobble back on instead.

Usually, when we discuss the referee and question his decision making, it is usually a result of two teams not playing in the spirit of the game. What on earth was going on with this ref is a complete mystery! (Editor Note: I have decided to name the ref “Billie Jean” as it was the only way I could get this song title into the match report). Billie was a psychologists dream. He must have heard about La Trobe’s new Juvenile Hooligan Program which has grown rapidly over the last few years. This program supposedly trains toddlers the art of hooliganism and is a great threat to Billie and his peers. The genius part of this program is that it makes the crowd control rope that has effectively worked for decades useless, as the kids can’t even reach it. These little “Smooth Criminals” had to be controlled and Billie was quick to stamp his authority, sending them scampering back to their prams.

These incidents seemed to have affected Billie’s focus as the next target was even smaller again. Picking up an object (see cryptic question above) he then asked every player what they believed it to be. This genius had everyone stumped!

Clue: It isn’t a drink bottle!

This supposedly “Dangerous” item was disrupting the game and needed to be removed before it mutated or something – no one really knew what it was capable of.

During all this drama, Essendon had worked its way back into the game with two quick goals and like last week, La Trobe was on the backfoot again. The Flying Dutchman gave away a silly penalty. Except it wasn’t in the box so Billie changed his mind and made it outside the box. In fact, no contact was even made with the player so it shouldn’t have even been a free kick. In 30 years of playing soccer, I’ve never seen such a decision made when even the opposition were not claiming a free-kick. But wait, it got even better! With Ronaldo, running clear with the ball, he legs were taken out from underneath him, causing him to fall on the ball. Obviously a handball! Ronaldo would have to “Blame it on the Boogey” . The General kept up the great work and at the 79th minute was awarded with a penalty. With the great Irishman. O’Cif, not around to take the honours, the pressure was on Frank to convert, which he calmly did.

La Trobe won 4:3 in a “Thriller” .

The answer to today’s cryptic question is obviously a “Weapon of Mass Destruction”